Don’t Poke Me! It Hurt Cause I’m Thin!

Mooney, Schultz, JP, Louis, and myself are sitting around playing the Shogun board game. This is a great game of medieval Japan. The game comes with five small, plastic Samurai swords. At some point in the night JP can’t resist the urge to hold the swords between his fingers in a Freddie Kruger fashion. Every time play Shogun this happens, but the following does not happen every time. JP is swinging his Kruger claw around and then pokes Schultz in the ribs. Schultz immediately screams, “DON’T POKE ME! IT HURTS CAUSE I’M THIN!”

It hurt because he is thin. It could not have possibly hurt because JP stabbed him between the ribs with a sharp object.

This is now one of the most famous Schultz stories.


I’ll Never Set Foot In A Gay Bar

To appreciate the irony some setup is required. I am not a homo-phobe, in fact I have several gay friends, more than most people, but this story was years ago, before I was fully comfortable being around lots of gays.

I am hanging out at Comstock with Dan, Matt, and JP. As everyone is leaving, at the end of the night, I ask, “What are you doing tomorrow night? Let’s get together again.” Matt says he is going to a gay bar with the JP and the Matt’s girlfriend.


Matt is going to the gay bar because his girlfriend wants to go dancing, and JP suggested going to gay bar.

The next night I am hanging out with Louis that was not present the night before. Louis suggests we call Matt. I tell Louis that Matt is out at gay bar. Louis immediately shouts, “We have to save him!”. By “save him” we meant berate him.

We jump in Louis’s car and start driving, with no idea where to go. I have been to Matt’s girlfriend’s house once before, but I can only lead us to the general area. We drive off to a Yellow Goose and use the pay phone (this was before anyone had a cell phone) and call a few people until we get Matt’s girlfriend’s mom on the phone. The mom tells us they Matt’s girlfriend has already left. DAMN! It was still early so we thought we might catch them before they left as Matt is notorious for being late (The OFFICIAL STORY is he was westling with a chicken.)

Now we look up the address of the gay bar (luckily the night before they told us which gay bar, or that would have prolonged the adventure). We get in the car and start heading out to the gay bar. Almost half-way there I say, “This sounds like a job for Dan” (Dan’s specialty is ridiculing Matt). Louis immediately turns the car around. “Perfect!” he shouts. We drive to Dan’s house, but he is gone. “He must be at his girlfriend’s house. I know where it is” I say.

We find Dan’s girlfriend’s (Mary) house. She lives on the second floor. The only way to get to the second floor is to go through the side door on the first floor. This door is always open as a cloche of lazy college students live on the first floor. They are always in a pile in the living room watching movies. As I move through the first floor one of them yells to me. Turns out a new edition to the cloche is a friend (? guy from St. Joe’s) I have not seen in a year. I say hi, but have no time to dawdle. I burst upstairs and see Dan, Rob, Mary (I’ve only met once), and two of her friends. “What are you doing here?!” says Dan, quite surprised. “I’ve come to enlist your help. Louis is downstairs with the car running. We are going to rescue Matt from a gay bar!” Dan jumps to his feet. “Honey, I’ve got to go!” We dart downstairs and into the car. Off we go! ZOOM!

Eventually we find the gay bar. Now the three of us are sitting in the car, outside the gay bar arguing over who is going to go in. Eventually I get tired of the argument and volunteer (forgetting my emphatic statement from the night before), but I demand the other two give me money for the cover charge. They do.

I cautiously proceed inside. I spy Matt at bar, looking miserable. I go over. He is quite surprised to see me. I ask him to come outside as Louis and Dan are outside. Just as he gets up his girlfriend and JP stop dancing and come over. I hurry Matt outside.

Now Dan, Louis, and I encircle Matt and start in on what the hell is going on. While this is going on two guys exit the gay bar and go into an alley. We all take note, but no one says anything. Several minutes later the same two guys exit the alley and head into the gay bar. They are slightly disheveled. Dan points and shouts, “This two guys were fucking in the alley!”

Eventually JP exits the bar to come talk to us. Nothing about the “rescue mission” is said and he goes back in the gay bar. Some more berating goes on, Matt slinks back inside to continue “enjoying” his night.

Dan, Louis, and I head off to Mighty Taco to debrief another successfully completed mission.
All this only one day after declairing I would never set foot in a gay bar.