The Official Story: Dan

Dan has previously posted the details of some of the minor Comstock characters. But who is this main character himself? In what may become a series I present to you an in depth look at the man himself, Dan.

To coincide with the title of this piece let us start with where Dan came from. Dan started as an unknown freshman at a well known local Catholic school. Dan and another unknown freshman, Matt, crossed paths, and found there was something of a friendship there. I do not know the details of their first meeting, perhaps they themselves can shed light on that incident. Who would have guessed the road their chance meeting led them down. The important thing was that it was Dan’s fault we all come to know Dan, and it was Matt’s fault we all came to know Dan.

When this duo encroached upon the gamer club at said Catholic school the radius of their infection was astonishing. Not only sinking claws into other students, but reaching into across two-lane roads that should have been four lane roads. A surprisingly long half-life did this collision of carbon did have. I myself felt safe, but through my friendship with Louis I was infected.

Dan is someone you have to experience. I used to feel I had to interact with him in order to keep an eye on him, and while that was true for a period, the majority of the time I wanted to see what weird people and experiences he would bring about. Life is to be enjoyed, so if you ever have a “Dan” in your life, I suggest you get all you can from the relationship. Although you need to take a break from Dan every now and then.

I am not going to attempt to organize the following incidents in any fashion, as that would be counter to the spirit of “Dan”. So here they are, strewn about, much like your sense of decency after encountering Dan.

Dan has a knack of making a lasting impression on almost anything he encounters. I obtained a board game about computer hacking. The player in the lead, at the end of each round, was given a cardboard shuiken and declared the “Net Ninja”. As with any game our group took part in, the fun was being a jerk within the rules. As such, when Dan became the “Net Ninja” he made a motion across the table as if to “hit” us all with the shuriken and boisterously declaired, “I am the Net Ninja! WHAAAAAA!”

You have already heard of Dan’s Dashwood Society. There is a lost video I saw once of the antics of the Society one Friday Medicine Hour. This included Mucabala Dan running naked, except for a long fake beard through the Tops parking lot. Another portion was Dan himself, in his Reverend garb, drinking a conyak and being interviewed by Brian. The interview was a good 45 minutes long, and as the interview progressed Dan threw more sheets to the wind, and became more belligerent. Hard to imagine.

Dan was an early inscribed name on The Plaque along with the original name, that being of Larry. A rare evening together with the two forces of chaos gave us witness to this exchange:

Larry: *blah, blah, blah* anal sex *blah, blah, blah*
Dan: *blah, blah, blah* anal sex *blah, blah, blah*
Larry: “There are no feelings for her when you are about to finish. Those last few strokes are POWER strokes.”
Dan: “They ARE!”

GENEROSITY

Every now and again Dan would surprise us with his generosity, like when he was approved for a Discover card. Suddenly he was always offering to buy you a Coke or coffee at Denny’s or Tom’s. These where his favorite late night hang outs. Often with himself, writing, and finding more strange creatures of the night.

The most generous display of Dan’s generosity was already detailed in The Night of Revelations, but another generous moment was when Dan showed up to our weekly “poker” night with Sake. This was a time of relative inexperience with the world, and so the knowledge that Sake was to be served warm was unknown to any of us. Despite that lack of critical knowledge, the sign of the Sake coming in a giant jug should have been a tip off. Dan, Rob, and myself where quite eager to sip the Oriental treat. We all took at a swig, and the taste was dreadful. We all endeavored to complete the glass we had already drawn. Dan gave up, while Rob and I finished the glass, the worse for doing so. Recanting this story invokes responses of dejected head shaking.

When we all used to get together Sundays Dan would show up early (which was merely on time) in order to perform a dramatic reading of the Weekly World News. It was a chargeable performance listening to the normal stories of “Bat Boy Found!” and the readings of “Dear Abby” which Dan was particularly fond of since she answered her letters in a a Dan-esque manner, i.e. “Dear Loser, Get a life and stop bothering me.”.

SIDEKICKS

I arrived at Dan’s place to pick him up, and as usual, waited for him to finish whatever he was doing (never ask) in the kitchen. I took note of a new addition – a fresh hole in the wall. I say fresh because I had been in the kitchen two days prior, and no hole was present. When Dan emerged I inquired. “Oh, Mucabala Dan did that with a dildo.”

As we can judge by the high popularity of the Tracy Mehm post some of you remember when the story of this Dan associate was in the news. Some may remember another story in the news. The story of a naked man stuck on Goat Island, and how they had to helicopter him to safety. The man was drunk and jumped into the river to ride over Niagara Falls. The extreme cold of the river sobered him immediately. He managed to get to Goat Island before plummeting over the Falls, although the raging water stripped him of his clothes. This young man of good judgement was stuck on the island until morning. A good use of the $10,000 it cost to rescue him. This was one of Dan’s friends.

PERSONALITY

Dan is never one to shy away from awkward situations, especially if that means having a conversations with total strangers. When Louis was about to leave the state for grad school we where all over at his place for a party.

Louis: *slight panic* “Hey! Where’s Dan?” (it is always wise to keep an eye on the whereabouts of Dan at a party)
Aaron: “Last I saw he was outside.”

Dan was indeed outside. He had become a welcome member of the table old retired guys drinking and smoking in the car port. They all loved Dan. This brings me to another point about Dan, at least the old Dan. When I brought Chris around I wanted him about Dan. I said if he is nice to you he is setting you up for something. Just to get to me, Dan was always nice to Chris.

When Mike’s wedding came around I was curious as to who I would be sitting at my table. I thought perhaps Paul, if he showed, but I knew, as soon as I learnt he was attending, Dan would be there, and so I was not worried about a boring time, with no stories. Dan rambled on to a female guest at the table for 15 minutes before she revealed he already knew her. Dan quickly recovered and then hit on her pregnant friend, who was married, but the husband was out of the country (they where in the military). I later found Dan and Mike’s mom laughing it up on the balcony during a smoke break. Still more humorous was that Dan had rented a car for the first time to drive up to the wedding. What does he pick as his first rental car? A bright red Corvette, manual, which Dan does not know how to drive. I watched in amusement as he “drove” (jerked) away with a smile.

SKILLS

Dan has dipped his toe into the cooking water. He attempted to make jell-o form his own toe nail clippings. It takes a lot of clippings to have enough for jell-o. Dan was kind enough to leave these in a CLEAR container on the kitchen counter for all to see. Tragically, Dan’s mom threw out the container, thinking it something gone bad when Dan had near collected enough. Distraught, he tried again, and successfully made a smaller batch. I don’t know who tasted the finished product, but I’m sure that feat earned them a place in the Dashwood Society.

Dan has dabbled in the arts as well. For a time he created a comic strip “Unspeakably Violent Jack”. As with many things, Dan drew inspiration from him friends. The “Unspeakably Violent Jack” character was based on his own, thank god only, imagination. Other reoccurring characters where “Dastardly Evil Matt” (Matt), “Cubicly Rubix Louis” (Louis), and “Musically Bloated Brian” (Brian). There are others that hopefully Dan will remind us of, and more importantly I hope Dan can post the comics themselves. To show this is a seasonal post, I recall one of the comics that outlined how to head-butt Santa from the back and push his skull out his face.

Perhaps Dan’s most impressive skill was self-gratification. In the middle of Denny’s he boasted ho he could masturbate without using his hands. And immediately proceeded to demonstrate by holding his arms in the arm, and gyrating his pelvis in an unspeakable manner. The typical Dan grin was fully apparent. Dan must have been exceptionally successful that night for no more than 30 seconds of god-less pelvis gyrating has passed before he quickly excused himself to the restroom.

For better or worse you now know more about the character of “Dan”.

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6 Responses

  1. A very good tale, though in spite of the well chosen examples it still fails to paint the full picture of the entity known as Dan.

    First, as a bear for insignificant details, I’d like to point out that the first union was of Dan and JP in grade school. I understand they used to have a lot of sleep overs and tickle fights until JP burned his hands putting out the fire he accidentally started on Dans head.

    His anal sex revelation was skittles compared to his graphic description of his fisting of one of the several Carries he dated.

    I don’t think that was Mucaballa Dan running through the parking lot. He didn’t appear until well after the Dashwood Society was disbanded by the UN. I can’t remember the asshole’s name that did it, but I remember he was a thin bearded nudist and one of the only Dashwoodies who joind CUR.

    His generosity was astounding when experienced, although most of my memories were of being shafted with the bill at Pizza Hut and waking up numerous times at Princeton to find all of my beer and cigarettes gone.

    Personality wise, he is undoubtedly charming with very little effort. My mother loves him and asks about him more often than most other friends. I regret that he never made it down to VA to meet my Air Force friends as I am confident he and the ones I liked would have been mutually entertained and that he would have absolutly enraged the ones I didn’t.

    My Unspeakably Violent Jack character was ‘Big Fat Wolf’; which is disturbing as I was 20 lbs lighter at that time.

    The jello was nothing compared to the toilet water that was served; something he really wishes I would just shut the fuck up about. I’m sorry, but it’s just too funny.

    The masturbation story reminds me of a time when Ann, Aaron and I came over to Dan’s to pick him up, and after we honked a few times, he stuck his head out the window and shouted, “Hold on a minute! I’m masturbating and the honking is making me lose my concentration!”.

    Finally, you neglected ‘Dan in Public’. My most interesting experice was at the Orignal House of Pancakes on Main St. I went there with Molly (on her second trip to Buffalo), Dave Walsh, Jen Tappenden, Ann, my sister Laura, and Knaus. We were seated in one of the side rooms with all of the other tables occupied by families with small children. Dan chose that opportunity to engage in a very loud story about Japanese torture porn that got very graphic and detailed. As we had all known Dan, except for Molly, for a long time, most of us were unfazed, though we could see the growing rage of the diners around us. Most mortified, however, was Dave who actually buried his face in his hands in embarassment as he had become of man of culture since his days as a guy who “worked for a living”. Molly thought it was funny and thus I married her.

  2. For health and security reasons I thought it best to not paint the entire Dan picture. And I have blocked some Dan paint form my mind as a psychological defense.

    I did forget the “rush of excess fluids” fisting story. Again, it was to the delight of the Denny’s crowd. It is any wonder all tables around us quickly cleared.

    I don’t remember the name of the guy if it was not Mucaball Dan, I forget who exactly he was anyway. All these freaks blend into one amalgamation anyway. I agree it was definitely a thin guy with a fake bear. Oh wait, it was Mohatma Nick!

    I remember the honking masturbation. Dan is not shy.

  3. Dan, you are one strange fella.

  4. Speaking of gelatin, I am curious whether Aaron considers it a vegetable, or a meat product. I have heard tell of vegans attempting Dan’s feat.

  5. It is definitely not a meat. I don’t know if I consider it a vegetable, but no matter what it is I do not want it. I never have room for Jell-O, toe jam or not.

  6. In England, they call it Jelly.

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