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Special Delivery

The bane of Matt

The bane of Matt

No, this is not about Dan’s ill-fated dive into the movie business. You will have to wait until later to hear that story. This is a different kind of story. This is the story of faint, eerie, and mysterious echos emanating from the far reaches of a dark, misty cave. This is a story of that which pierces a man’s heart like a icy toothpick. This is a story of feelings.

As we have grown and plugged into “normal” life more and more, my friends and I have scattered across the country. Perhaps we are burrowing deep to hide until it is time to explode in world domination! Are any Homeland Security Paranoids listening? While technology has given us a good measure of contact, there is a non-filthy touch that is missing. I choose to satisfy this urge with the vehicle of the U.S. Postal Service, of which I was an employee for a very brief time. Put simply, I send weird shit to people.

This started when the first of us left the motherland. Louis was in Illinois, attending grad school for a subject he selected “just because”. As frequent readers of this blog may remember Princeton was the era before Mike left for the Air Force. He and I shared an apartment, and entertained frequent guests. One day we where overturning all the couch cushions for a reason I cannot recall, but it was a long and difficult process given the three long and elaborate couches we owned. As an aside, we left all three when we snuck out in the middle of the night. I hope they are all safe and well still at Princeton, or at least that big, metal fucker left a dent in the wall or someone’s knee (spellchecker knows “fucker”).

While exploring the couch crevasses we discovered a very smashed brownie. It was luckily still sealed in clear plastic, but there was no labeling of any kind upon the wrapper. Mike and I were nought concerned for how it got there, but what kind of brownie it was. Like a bolt from Valhalla the idea hit us.

“Louis is in grad school for chemistry. He must have access to a lab for analysis!”

With that we grabbed a free USPS Priority envelope, crammed the brownie in there and shipped it off to Louis. We forgot about it shortly thereafter, only reminded when Louis called a few weeks later…

“What is this?”

“A brownie we found in the couch for you to analyze.”

We are still waiting for the report.

Here we reach a time of long pause between “shipments”. I picked up the practice again when I was in Japan, knowing Mike’s affinity for weird foods. I shipped him some freeze-dried squid, and strange shaped Japanese candy. He was very thankful. Whenever I find some odd food idea I grab it for Mike. I have sent him a few things over the last few years.

Another friend of mine always raved about how great Ikea was, and invited me to travel up to Toronto, the closest Ikea to Buffalo. Why do I want to drive 1.5 hours and waste the entire day just to get a couch? It was only years later I visited an Ikea and learned they have all kinds of stuff. Things that would have been vital for me, especially at a cheap price, as a college/just out of college individual. As a result I purposely placed the blame on the very man who tried to introduce me to Ikea. Realistically he is the last person I should take revenge upon, but who said “shipping” is logical. For his actions my revenge took the form of a smashed Ikea fountain drink cup from my first trip to Ikea. That son of a bitch got his.

The next example is a personal shipment. Those familiar with those of this blog well know Louis’s fanatical addiction to Mountain Dew. Because of this, while on a drive to his home in D.C. we left a 2 liter bottle of the Nectar of the Gods on his door step, rang the door bell, and hid around the corner. Moment’s later we heard the door open and the expected “Uh!” I suspect that if we had not then emerged Louis would have cradled his sweet liquor back inside, leaving us for dead.

The camera on your cell phone makes the perfect tool for “shipping” pictures of weird findings to others. I often send pictures to Mike of weird foods that he loves so much. I sometimes buy these to send him, like the tiny, dried fish snack I found in Japan. Weird beer labels also make their way in digital format to Mike. Louis gets pictures of oddly-shaped containers.

When I find these items my wife used to shake her head and call me weird, but she occasionally links a product to a person before I do. The most recent was when Louis was visiting us. Where were in Chinatown, waiting for our Ghost Tour to begin. We wasted the time inspecting the isles of a Chinese trinket shoppe. My wife found a whined up masturbating monkey. No sooner had she pointed this out that she said, “That would be perfect for Dan!” And right she was. A week later I found a comment on this blog as to Dan’s confirmation of receiving this shipment.

I may be forgetting some of the other shipments I have sent over the years. I’m sure my fellow posters will remind me.

Some advice. Do not include any letter, label, or explanation with your shipments. Just smile as you drop them in the mail, and wait to get the inevitable email. You need to link the trinket with the person you send it to. The USPS has free Priority envelopes and boxes to ship your “hello old friend” package. I urge you to stay connected by shipping unannounced items to your friends. I have received threats of being sent shipments in return, but nothing yet. Since I am far more organized than any of my friends I will believe it when I see it. Will this post be the billboard material they needed to follow through?

Only last week did I happen to come across some plastic eyeball glasses, which today have found their way into the mail, addressed for Matt. I am hoping this will scare him out of his hermit state. Why is this a match for Matt? Matt has a fear of any eye being poked. In the past I was taken along to Darien Lake with Matt and his girlfriend, and her friends. I bought a large, inflatable eyeball hammer to torture Matt with. After arming his girlfriend with the information she promptly bought an eyeball keychain, which she used when appropriate. We all have a little Dan in each of us. Anyway, if I hear some response from Matt I will leave a follow up.

Dan sent his own special delivery to a girlfriend many years ago. Back in the time of Goodyear, Dan was in the pickle (not his mom’s pickles) as to what to give as an Xmas gift to his girlfriend of maybe a month. This girl had the proverbial everything. What did she not have? Dan thought of it! A double-ended dildo (why is dildo not in the spell checker?) A nice “gag” gift. Unfortunately for his girlfriend’s shame, and Dan’s relationship, she opened the gift in front of her parents. The next time she saw Dan she walked up to him and poked him in the eye. And such is the origin of the lens in Dan’s glasses that forever fell out.

Dan’s relation to this post is not yet complete. Like the other authors on this blog my writing has improved greatly, but one of the least frequent authors has always possessed a certain skill with the pen. Dan has been drafting elaborate stories well before I ever met him. You have read a scant few of these on this blog, but arguably his greatest tale saw little light. Let me remind you of the Dashwood Society, or was it the Church of Unconscious Revelations (I never know which took responsibility for what as they had the same membership). Whatever group it was, they decided that pornography was the channel of choice for their creative outlets. You see, a group like CUR needs to have a project to focus on at all times, lest they be distracted into apathy and drinking. Within minutes Dan had constructed a marvelous script.

Knock on the door.

House Wife answers. She sees a delivery man holding a package, but no pants.

Delivery Man: “I seem to have forgotten my pants. Do you have any place I can put this?”

Activities ensue.

The project was titled “Special Delivery”, and Dan selflessly volunteered to play Delivery Man. A woman was cast as the House Wife, but when she read the “real” script she left.

“Special Delivery” will never sit beside “Taming of the Shrew” or “The Merchant of Venice” as it should, but you – the loyal reader – will know.


29 Responses

  1. A good tale! Well, perhaps not so much a tale but a recounting of loosly affiliated happenings.

    It has though inspired me to do some more shipping myself as I have been woefully remiss about such things, especially after having enjoyed receiving excellent examples of unusual foods.

    For those who might not know, I harbor a Museum of Unusual Foods that I began before I got married. It was proudly displayed in my kitchen during my bachelorhood but now has been relegated to the basement in a glass and wood display case.

    My only disappointment is that I expected this story to be angrier.

  2. Anger! You son of a bitch! I send you all kinds of weird food and you have not sent me dick! Your watching TV in the dark and you fucking annoying presence are intolerable!

    Will that suit you? I guess I have mellowed out, such that given a few days I was not angry that I lost half the original story. Though I feel this version was not quite as good as the original.

  3. Well, that is pretty angry I guess though I thought there would be a lot more profanity and maybe a threat or two. At the very least you could make mention that you are working out in your basement like Matt used to.

  4. You lime-diseased asshole! I have been working out in my basement for the entire time you were in the Air Force, and I will kill you! All your special training will not defeat me with your alleged spoon technique!

  5. Fool! No such citrus based disease even exists! Unless you mean scurvy, which in fact does exist, but beside the point. You mean lyme disease you scurrilous dog! I have only ever lay claim to Dutch Elm disease, mange, and that weird liver thing that almost killed me.

    My spoon technique is fully ledged! Since that time I have received expert instruction to boost that with additional training in the spork, the dish towel and the dreaded 4 inch whisk.

  6. You are a fucking mound of disease! I have recently acquired mastery in elongated big wooden spoon, which allows me to easily destroy you from afar, thus protecting me from your germ halo.


    I sent Mike a 3-foot candy I found in a Japanese store. I bent it in half and shoved it into a priority envelope.

    A friend of mine who has never received any special delivery form me will soon receive an In-and-Out Burger placemat. He loves the place, though he now lives no where near one.

  8. He did! It now resides in my Muesum of Unusual Food next to the case of crabs he gave me. You heard me. He can be expecting something back within the next few days.

    I&O Burger rocks!

  9. In-and-Out Burger is good, but you have to eat it immediately because if it gets cold it sucks.

  10. BTW, I can always use Mighty Taco placemats.

  11. UPDATE

    The friend of mine who I sent an In-and-Our Burger place mat has sent me back a picture of Chik–Fil-A. I still have not gotten anything from my other so-called associates.

  12. Mike sent me a box of Mighty Taco. It was packed very nicely in a Styrofoam box with several freezer bags and sent FedEx 2 Day. I have had a few, and they were great! Next time just do not add lettuce, that does not reheat well. Thanks.

  13. Well, I’m home sick because of MT.

  14. Still home sick this week. refunding both ends. Feeling dehydrated

  15. HAHAHAHAHA!!! No way – Dan you did NOT give your girlfriend a dildo for her birthday – no WAY! Her parents did NOT open this in front of you – NOOOOOOO!!!!! HHAHAHAHAHAHA i am DYING HERE! this is just too much!!!!! i have to pee….tell me this is not true! ooohhooooooo too much! you guys are unbelievable….

  16. That was a terrible week. I am still recovering form the Might food poisoning.

  17. Three things.
    1) Are you serious that the shipped MT gave you food poisoning… did it have sour cream or something foolish like that?? I can’t imagine how beans or chicken would have spoiled under the shipping conditions.
    2) There has been some dispute about whether it was truly double ended, but that is the OFFICIAL STORY. Also, it was the other way, she opened it when he wasn’t there but parents were. Or so the OFFICIAL STORY went. Also why did I think it was Christmas.
    3) If Aaron really got sick I will have to re-think my planned shipment this weekend.

  18. After a few days reprieve the attack of MT is back.

  19. So, I decided not to execute my delivery plan because sending any kind of revolting food didn’t seem as funny right now. And, my fallback of attempting to get a Mighty Taco comment card so you could detail your experience in all its glory was also thwarted; the Eggert location didn’t have any!
    Also, food poisoning usually does not return, are you sure it wasn’t some other food that set this off.

  20. Well, I did have more MT when I first recovered. Perhaps a hole is burned into my stomach.

  21. I’m sorry, but I have grave doubts that MT was the problem; more likely that Msml. Thies had a coincidental bout with the flu. Not only did I use an industrial grade cooler, above the recommended amount of ice packs, plus gradually cooled the food in a fridge the same day as buying AND shipping, but paid an exorbinate amount for second day shipping – a method recommended by the MT manager! If there was ever a time to blame the afflicted, this would be it.

  22. I was never sick. This was going to be an extended series of comments to make Mike feel bad. However, it turned out that Louis was planing to ship MT and his plan was foiled by my comments, so I will take that as a victory!

  23. Damn! Well executed old man, you got me!

  24. I did get fooled, but I never said it was MT I was planning to ship. I will say only that it was a food related item and it didn’t seem as humorous to send when you were ‘sick’. It will have to wait for a future time now… And maybe I will neglect to warn you of the impending arrival, although I am a bit concerned of any food-related packages being received by Mrs.Thies as she even thinks a flattened cream horn is gross.

  25. I think her negative comments was in reference to our groups collective foolishness when it comes to shipping perishable items to each other. I may have given her the wrong impression when I told her of the unmarked, crushed brownie Mike and I found in our couch; the one we shipped to Louis for analysis. BTW, we are still awaiting the results.

  26. UPDATE: I found a book called “Poo Log: that gives you a very detailed form to complete and calculate your PQI (Poo Quality Index) each dump. I sent this to one of our friends.

  27. Please, please don’t be me….

  28. UPDATE: I created a custom ringtone for Mike, which his dumb ass is yet to play. I am waiting for a comment in return.

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