Xmas, Hot Tubs, and Gloves

Recently my wife and I saw a promo for the Fox show “Moment of Truth”.  They ask someone questions while hooked up to a lie detector.  In the normal format of TV game shows now, the more questions you get correct, in this case answer honestly, the more money you win.  This puts the contestant in the position of admitting they peed in the soup in order to win $50,000, but living with the shame as everyone they know is aware of that urine is their special ingredient.  My wife and I have often said you must be an idiot to appear on this program.  Unless I was single, there is no way I would appear on this show.  Even then.  You know they dig out everything they can find to make you squirm, because that is good TV, and after all this is FOX – the channel of the lowest common denominator.

On this particular promo the contestant was asked “Have you ever had a relationship with a co-worker?”  This caused me to wonder if during a lie detector test you can ask for clarification.  I know your final answer has to be YES or NO, but what if you do not understand the question, or just need context.  Think the national spelling bee, “Could you us it in a sentence?”  I imagine you cannot, and your YES/NO answer is based on how YOU interpret the question.  The point of this case of the show was to get the guy to admit he cheated on his wife, but what if he says YES to having a relationship with a co-worker, but he was single at the time?  In my case, I would have to answer YES, but it was a date. I had long forgotten about this incident until this promo jogged my memory, and since I am running out of “Comstock” stories I am raking my lobe for more recent stories.  This leads me to my story.

I have had dates with co-workers, but this is not one of them.  Several jobs ago, I was still the new guy when the Christmas party rolled around.  As the new guy I did not know anyone well.  The party started at the bar across the street from the office.  Strangely enough this as near ODS White (Larry’s Snyder store).  Maybe this was why weirdness ensued.  The party started good.  I had some beers with some people and we played darts.  One of the QA guys brought his girlfriend.  On one of my trips to the bar for another i got into a conversation with her.  Nothing special, just normal chit-chat.  We ended up talking for awhile, until the boss decided to move the party to his place, just a few blocks away.

Nothing strange so far.  It is coming.

I followed some co-worker to the boss’s house.  It was a pretty cool place.  People were everywhere.  In the kitchen, of course, inspecting and drinking from his impressive wine collection.  In the finished basement there was a foosball table, and even more people hanging around the living room.  There were a lot more people at the house than had been at the bar, I later found out that the boss had turned it into a full blown party, inviting the neighbors and his other friends.  Almost as soon as I walked through the front door I was hounded by the girlfriend.  I said hello, but unlike our conversation at the bar, this turned creepy.  I am not known for being an observant man when it comes to the signals of women, so only the most brick-over-the-head signals get through (I hope I am better now), but even I could immediately tell she was hitting on me big time.  I lost her by quickly moving from room to room “surveying” to party.  This plan worked well until I was brought to a sudden halt when I got to the hot tub the boss had on his enclosed back porch.  He boss’s wife getting into the hot tub wearing a bikini.  She was an attractive woman.  To make me gasp more, there where other co-workers in the hot tub, and the the wife, and the boss himself, were inviting everyone to join in the hot tub!  I felt like I had walked into “Boogie Nights.”

I turned to leave the scene and ran right in to the girlfriend, who was in her bathing suit (WHY DID EVERYONE HAVE THEIR BATHING SUITS?!) and was trying real hard to get me in the hot tub. “I don’t have my suit”, I said.  “Don’t worry about it!”, she replied.  I already had enough clues to beat feet, but that was over the top, down the hill, and over the top of the next hill.

I found successful hiding in the basemen playing foosball.  At one point the girlfriend, apparently done with her swim, came down to find me again, but left due to my faked engrossment in foosball.  After a few games everyone was tired of foos and headed upstairs.  I took the opportunity to leave the party, before I was cornered in the basement; never a good place to be.  Such ended my Friday night.

The next Monday I was asked about my conversation with Patrick’s girlfriend (only now do I remember his name and I am too lazy to re-write the above).  My inquisitor was Shea, another QA person, one of the few people at the job I spoke to on a regular basis, if you consider IM “speaking”.  I told her the story, and she agreed it was an odd scene with the hot tub.  Oh, I forgot to mention the boss’s wife also worked in the office (WRITER’s NOTE: I am too apathetic to fix prepositional phrases).  I consulted She on if I should tell Patrick.  I wanted to, but I barely knew him.  She relieved me of the duty by volunteering to tell him herself.  The girlfriend had a history of cheating on him already.

In the end Patrick confronted his girlfriend about it.  She denied it.  He dumped her.  They got back together.  I saw her once more when she delivered cookies to the office several months later.  She quietly and shamefully said hi to me as she offer me a cookie.  The cookie was not memorable in any way.  I lost a glove.  It was the first and only nice pair of gloves I have even owned.  I was upset I lost the glove.

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3 Responses

  1. Now I have seen some serious non-sequiturs before but this beats all. “I lost a glove.” WHEN did you lose the glove – at the party, or when she was giving you a cookie?
    As far as picking up on women’s “signals”, you may be better now but it is no longer a useful skill at least as it relates to them hitting on you. Better that you should be ignorant and thick-headed, one would think.

  2. I lost a glove somewhere between when I arrived at the house and when I left the house.

    As to the signals, you are correct. Best to be totally ignorant now.

  3. I have always been in the dark concerning signals – the good ones or the obvious disinterest. My next story will go into that a bit.

    An interesting tale! I thought for sure it was going to go in a spicy direction but you faked us out.

    Just think, the possibility exists that the girlfried stole the glove and still worships it at a shrine to you filled with candid photos taken with a telephoto lens. You coming out of work, eating tofurkey, on the can, rolling ten sided dice…. brrrrrr! Creepy! The pictures I mean.

    My wife and I have also seen the Moment of Truth and enjoy joking about the fools who appear on the show. I like how that have that buzzer where the family members can get them out of a jam. I watch waiting for the killer question:

    Announcer: ‘Question. Do you secretly think your wife has a fat ass?’

    Poor Schnook: ‘Uhhhhhh…… umm….. [calls in a whisper] Madge, hit the buzzer.

    Announcer: ‘We are waiting.’

    Poor Schnook: ‘Uhh…. [loudly] Dammit! Hit the goddam buzzer!!’

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