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From the offices of Matt, Matt, and Matt

To Whom it may concern;

I noticed several glaring errors in your records posted at https://comstock.wordpress.com/cast/ on one Mr. Matt. I will be forwarding along a cease and desist order momentarily. Prepare for the inevitable lawsuit.

Please submit the following alterations or face the consequences…

I worked at the computer labs at the University at Buffalo for 5 years, I was only a cart boy for six months, though I did work at Tops for 4 years. The rest of the time I spent wrapping meat.

I am weasily not squirrelly…

That wasn’t arrogance it was cockitude, there is a subtle difference you should be well aware of as I think you (Aaron) very well coined the term. Plus I was dynamite with the ladies.

I would say that I wasn’t easily inebriated, but last week, for the first time in years I spent an hour throwing up Vodka in a laundry basket. Not to be confused with Goldschlager on your coffee table.

I am now too lazy to go out for video games I simply acquire them with bit torrent. And I acquire them legally you can be sure of that.

My gay aura has gotten me into piles of trouble since I left Buffalo. Maybe I’ll give you the highlights. “Nor will I ever be” should be added to the end of my quote.

On second thought you can keep it exactly the same or add any of these revisions.

– Matt


4 Responses

  1. Legal Response:

    To the claims made herein regarding the portrayal of one individual tentatively identified only as “Matt”.

    WHEREAS the plaintiff alleges slander, site administration hereby reaffirms the ‘balls on’ accuracy of all statements regarding the loosely identified entity described heretofore in both the cited text and all other occurrences and

    WHEREAS the plaintiff maintains periods of employment of duration not matching the reported text, no corroborating documentation has been entered into evidence thereby rendering the complaint as hearsay and heresy and thus superseded by right of first writ and

    WHEREAS the plaintiff takes exception to the animistic representation of being ‘squirrelly’, the administration grudgingly accepts the alternative term of ‘weasely’ as the latter is much worse and

    WHEREAS the plaintiff wishes to be described using a term falsely attributed to a member of the administration (cite origins of the term ‘cockitude’ in the Urban dictionary), the administration rejects the request on grounds that the plaintiff is simply not cool enough and

    WHEREAS the plaintiff alleges he is “dynamite” with the ladies, the administration accepts the description insofar as it is intended literally by which the plaintiff is known to exhibit qualities enormously destructive to the opposite sex and

    WHEREAS the plaintiff takes exception to the allegation of being easily drunken, the administration maintains its opposing opinion based expert knowledge that only the plaintiff and wee little girls can become inebriated on the pitifully small levels of imbibing and

    WHEREAS the plaintiff self discloses himself as “lazy”, the administration agrees both in part and in full and will add the description to the plaintiffs alleged description and

    WHEREAS the plaintiff maintains his innocence in the illegal acquisition of video games the administration would like to enter into evidence both the plaintiffs consummate cheapness and lack of gainful employment above the level of what a smart monkey could accomplish and

    WHEREAS the plaintiff admits in writing to further homosexual experiences beyond what was heretofore known, the administration accepts the disclosure as being truthful in its entirety.

    Based on the evidence, conjecture, and outright fabrication of the administration presented above, said entity hereby initiates countersuit for the amount of 231 million dollars, a cease and desist, and deportation of the now defendant to somewhere yet farther away.

  2. what?

  3. Matt finally read the blog and sent us a joke letter from a lawyer, which I edited and posted. Mike replied with his own fake letter.

  4. Hooray for explanatory comments! Also, we do have to support Matt’s contention that he wrapped meat, even if none of us personally experienced it.

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