Squaring Off

Given the recent storm of posts calling me out, begging for some drops of wisdom from my bald, bifurcated skull, I feel it is necessary to start with some lesser-known, untold, and perhaps humorous short stories before tackling the true classics.

The story of how Dan convinced Sue (the “Boot”) that the moon was square has been repeated often, achieving near-legendary status. What is less known is the hilarity that ensued. We uncovered Dan’s deception while discussing the matter with Sue in Dan’s basement; for some reason the subject came up in one of our limited conversations with Sue (limited conversations were the only kind possible, given her use of 1 and 2 syllable words only). She spoke up and told us how amazed she was to discover that the moon was square, and the round shape was only due to the reflection of the sun upon it “just like a flashlight on the wall”. After quite a bit of trying to explain why Dan was wrong, she seemed convinced that the moon was indeed round, but I sensed that some skepticism would linger in her mind forever more.

Shortly after this incident, we were pulling out of the Putt-Putt parking lot, having rendevoused there with Matt (surprise surprise). Dan was in the passenger seat and I was behind, when he randomly questioned “I wonder how they get the water to be so blue??”. Sensing opportunity, I immediately spoke up and said “It is quite simple Dan, they use 2000 Flushes.” Dan, not realizing that he had wandered into a trap, and obviously believing this to be true, said earnestly “Are you SERIOUS??” Upon which I took great pleasure in stating “Of course not, FOOL! (*handslap*) It is just as true as the square moon.” Dan was quite put out by this and responded with some phrase that clearly included the word “Bastard”.

This was the inevitable foundation of what was to follow. One day, Aaron and I came to Dan’s house for some nefarious purpose or other (probably a game of Talisman). Dan volunteered that Sue now believed that my head was square. In those days, you must understand, I did have somewhat flat-topped hair; today you would never mistake my head for anything other than a Charlie Brown sphere. But, Dan persisted in pointing out that Sue was sure I had a square head, and the instigator of this belief was none other than Mr. Schultz himself. In order to prove this, Dan volunteered to call Sue and prove this. We proceeded skeptically up to Dan’s bedroom; for some reason Dan’s phone was a speaker phone (fairly uncommon in those days) – no doubt useful for many pranks. In any case, Dan was “friendly” with Sue despite whatever back-and-forth had occurred with Matt, Dan, and Sue at this point. He called her up and started some idle chatter, then got down to business:

Dan: “I saw Louis and Matt yesterday. You know, I’m not sure whether his head is round or square. What did Matt say?”

Sue: “I was talking with Matt and he told me, you know that Louis, his head is kind of square, don’t you think? I thought it was really funny.”

Now at this point, Aaron and I are dying in the back of the room. She hears something and says:

Sue: “Wait, he isn’t there with you now is he?”

Dan: “Of course he isn’t here in my ROOM. It would be INCREDIBLY RUDE if he were IN THE ROOM!!!”

At this point, Aaron and I had to basically retreat due to the fact that we were laughing until we cried. The way in which Dan basically shouted “IN THE ROOM” was almost enough to induce convulsions. I made sure to give Matt a good ribbing at the next opportunity; it was probably in the form of a Tarot card reading “proving” that he had incredibly low Wisdom.

The final chapter to this came in the form of Dan’s “Unspeakably Violent Jack” cartoons. Dan included two minor characters in one of his strips: “Cubicaly Rubix Louis” and “Insufferably Arrogant Aaron”. Considering that Cubically Rubix Louis survived (Insufferably Arrogant Aaron was impaled through the eyeball after he proclaimed that he “made the Pope the Pope”), I got the best of the deal.

I will also note, on the “moon” theme, that during my first year of grad school, Dan sent me a postcard consisting of nothing other than four women’s butts in bathing suits, with the opening line of his note stating “HOW ABOUT THEM ASSES?”.

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5 Responses

  1. Good post. Louis. I want to hear more from you. You’ve been sitting in the background for too long.

    And the Unspeakbly Violent Jack character was Lord Aaron of Meglomania. I’ve beeh trying to skan in my old Unspeakably Violent Jack and Self Defense Corner cartoons, but I can’t the scanner to work. Remember the mongolian head-butt. “1.Find someone with a bald head. 2.Run up behind them and tear off face.”

  2. I could have sworn it was Insufferably Arrogant Aaron. Do you actually have the cartoon in front of you??

  3. Yes I do. As I said, I’ve been trying to scan them in.

  4. Nice title! It is about time. I can’t wait for more, including the legendary creamer story. I forgot about the 2000 Flushes, one of the few times Dan fell for it.

  5. Excellent post! That shut me up quite well. I never knew the origin of the square head story; only the square moon. I should have tied the two together.

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