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Mini Marathon

This is a collection of short incidents.

Origins of Psycho – From high school until I left Princeton my nickname was “Psycho”. Where did this nickname come from? Expecting a clever or even mildly interesting origin? Fool! I was on the phone with Louis, and he called Knaus, so after over an hour of 3-way phone conversation Knaus made a judgement. The next day he told Louis, “That guy sounds like a psycho.” How ironic that Knaus called ME a psycho.

Winter Sock Run – Before Louis and I met Dan, Matt, etc. we knew some guy named Jeff. One night the three of us were watching movies at Louis’s house and his parents left. Somehow, perhaps Louis can recall, Jeff and I took turns daring each other to run from the back door to the fence and back in our socks. It was winter, with plenty of snow on the ground. After the first few times we spent the time between our runs picking the enormous chucks of snow out of the expanding holes in our socks. I forget the final total, but it was close to 30 trips. When the spring arrived Louis’s dad awoke and peered out the back window to see a path of dead grass well worn in his backyard.

Cheese and Pepsi – This is another middle/high school period event, like the “Winter Sock Run”. I have no idea why this started, Louis? However, Louis and myself debated how disgusting cheese in Pepsi would be. Louis was adamant I could not drink a glass, while I was just as stout that I could. After much stern debating we proceeded upstairs to settle the matter. Now, in my mind I pictured a glass of Pepsi, in the shapely Classic Coke glasses, with cubes of yellow cheese, much like ice cubes, plopped in. The reality of the solvent was tearfully different. The timeless Pepsi glass was true to vision, but then Louis produced a cheese slice from a package of Velveeta sandwich slices. This was foreboding, but only for a moment as Louis freed the soft cheese (BAD!) from it’s plastic sheath. He then mangled and mashed the cheese into the Pepsi. The tipping point was peering in the final beverage and viewing the greasy fingerprints in the squished cheese. My mental stomach allowed me to only take 2-3 sips. I hold that it was Louis’s false advertising that led to his victory.

Free Ravioli – There is some story I was a part of, but I do not remember, involving my freshman year, where the Ravioli vending machine was discovered as broken. We immediately ran back to our room to procure a backpack which we filled entirely with mini-Ravioli cans.

That’s Not a Urinal – Louis and I attended a free golf class one summer. The climax of the class was to play 3 holes at the course. I spent the night before at Louis’s house. We woke up late and Louis’s dad drove us over to the golf course. We got there in time for me to head the restroom. I was about to let the morning fountain loose , when I half-opened my eyes to see myself?! Why is there a mirror over the urinal? I have seen a newspaper, but a mirror? Holy crap! I am about to pee in the sink! I sidestepped to the real urinal just as some schmo entered the restroom. A close call.

Fashion Conscious – This is a piece of advise rather than a full blown story. I suggest all single guys shop with either a gay or a girl. They can shop vicariously through you and you will get much better clothing out of it. Some other points of catour (sp?); tell people, and by people I mean women, you are spending about $300 on a new wardrobe. As far as footwear goes only shoes or multi-colored sneakers (two primary colors and a third, trim color) are necessary.

The Year of Aaron – Much like the previously mentioned “Year of Rob”, I proclaimed the following New Year’s Eve it would be the “Year of Aaron”. I decreed I would ask a new woman out each month. I did this, the first month, and was successful for a short, 1-2 month relationship. After that the momentum of the “Year of Aaron” petered out. I mention this to show that we are 2-for-2 on “Year of” decree.

Death From Above – Louis’s parents held a party in their backyard. Louis and I decided to throw some water balloons over the corner of the house. Louis was the spotter, peering around the corner of the house.

Aaron throws the first water balloon over the corner of the house.
Louis: “It landed 30 feet away from anything.”
Aaron adjusts on his second throw.
Louis: “That was only a few feet closer. Move a LOT more to the right.”
Aaron adjusts his third throw.
Louis: “RUN!”
Aaron jumps on his bike and takes off.

I rode my bike around the neighborhood for 30 minutes until I encountered Louis riding him bike. The postmortem was the third shot was hit a cake on a table. It flew in at the perfect angle to fly under the table umbrella. The cake splattered everywhere, all over several people. The party-goers did not know what happened so I was safe.

Poll – Never mentioned before friend Nick is a sicko, but a lovable sicko. I experienced a phase where I created a new poll to ask everyone I knew. One of this was “What is the least amount of money would it take for you to sleep with the sex you don’t find attractive.” (got to be alternative friendly). The median answer was $100k. Nick was typically unique in his response, “I’d do it for a quarter if I needed to make a phone call.”

Taddle Tale (HA!) – Knaus, Ann and myself were just lounging in Knaus’s room. We heard Dave and Wolf arrive home. The muse of tomfoolery suddenly struck! By an unusual coincidence Knaus had parked his car around the corner that day. Knaus would exit the room, unknown to Wolf/Dave, then drive his car home. Ann and myself would make noise in hushed tones from Knaus’s room. We expected Wolf/Dave to follow Knaus up to his room when he arrived, and watch the rage Knaus would certain showcase upon finding Ann and me in his room. The first problem was to get Knaus out of his own room quietly. Regular readers will recall his room was on the second floor. In literal cartoon style we fashioned a rope out of a bed sheet and jacket, with which we lowered Knaus out the back of the house. A surprising success.

The plan worked to perfection to this point. Knaus brought his normal halo of tense into the house. Wolf immediately proclaimed, “Ann and Aaron are in your room!” We heard this all the way upstairs, and Ann was semi-livid. Knaus managed to hold the charade when he unlocked his door. Ann and I played the part of the surprised, guilty intruders. It was not long before Ann was unable to contain her anger, “You tattled on us!” “No I didn’t.” “We heard you!” For the rest of us it was an entertaining episode.

In fear of leaving you with a deflated feeling, I will, as is a mirror of Comstock.


12 Responses

  1. An excellent idea this mini-marathon! I especially liked the last story. I was planning to write something about that, but didn’t know where to fit it in to a longer piece. I think Knaus’s handcuff ring probably aided in the escape quite a bit. As for the telling, I had two motivations. First, I was pissed that you wouldn’t let me in, and second, Knaus lumped silent accessories in with the guilty and I thought it best to divest myself of all responsibility. Think about it, if you had really broken into his room, the perceived crime would have far exceeded anything perpetrated on him before thereby leading to retaliation of unimaginable magnitude.

    If you remember,there was also a Year of Wolf, in which I pledged to give up drinking and smoking, lose weight, and regrow hair until I captured the attention of a woman worth pursuing. I made great headway in all areas except for the regrow hair part, until I met my wife and soon after saw no point then of continuing the experiment. I have since quit smoking and lost weight, so it wasn’t a total bust.

  2. I forgot to mention the time in Goodyear you saved up pop tabs for a girl who posted flyers about the building. Your plan was to impress her enough to get a date. I know the date never happened, but I forget the rest of the story.

  3. Another entry that belongs here is back when Matt, Louis, and I hung out and ran a tape recorder in the background. I wish I still had the tapes. This would provide an audio record of my having to talk louder and louder over Matt/Louis who ignored me on purpose. I blame this for my current bad habit of talking louder and louder over my wife. Thanks jerks.

  4. Ah, Jeff. In a strange twist of fate, after drifting out of our lives in 8th grade, he reappeared in an unexpected way.

  5. Also, the core issue surrounding the cheese + Pepsi was my contention that two things which were edible on their own were not necessarily good when mixed together. I should note that besides the fingerprints of cheese, the mixture produced an unsightly yellow foam at the top of the Pepsi.

  6. As to the fashion conscious story, a few addendums. Going along with this was the point that you should NEVER wear glasses with the “bar across the top”, and that fingernail and even cuticle hygiene was deemed important. The $300 advice was not so bad for a college student circa 1990, but today with inflation I suggest you plan to drop a cool two grand.

  7. Oh god the cheese film! I forgot about that! It was wicked vile! Perhaps the most disgusting thing I have seen in real life! If not for the Madisons it would be the most disgusting thing I have ever seen.

  8. On fashion, the $300, or $2000 (now) is only what you SAY you just spent to a women. The official story is that I just spent 2k on a new wardrobe.

  9. In that case, definitely don’t SAY $300 any more. This of course only applies to those unmarried people. Married guys should just give all the credit to their wife regardless. It’s safer that way.

    As far as the cheese film: I have seen worse things in person, but nothing that I was preparing to ingest.

  10. Very true. I honestly can’t remember the last piece of clothing I chose by myself.

    The notion of cheese film borders on horrific and I wonder if it is too grusome for even this blog.

    Finally, I still think it a travesty that I never got that date from the pop tabs I lovingly saved. I think the real end use of them was supposed to be something charitable, and therefore my impressive munificence (I had collected thousands) should have been a guaranteed pants dropper for sure. Ah well, it wasn’t the most outlandish scheme I tried in those days.

  11. As I recently discussed with Aaron, the cheese film floating on top of the Pepsi did bear a striking resemblance to some forms of diarrhea. Also, there were some weird, almost hexagonal bubbles created by the mashing action of my none-too-clean fingers.

  12. This post will forever be one of the top posts, as it is result #5 on google for the phrase “how far is a mini marathon”. Good work!

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