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Craik Call

 This was originally included in the Craik profile, but it became too long, so I’ve given it its own entry. This is probably the most time anyone’s spent discussing D. Craik.


Time had passed and The Dashwood Society was in full swing. Our series of phone pranks was an amusing diversion. A favorite target, beside Boring Ben, was D. Craik. With his unwitting help we created a bizarre homosexual soap opera via telecommunications.

First Call:

The first call was placed by Big Brian using the persona of “Mark.” A raffish, lonely soul, looking for some male love meat. Craik answered and Mark introduced himself, claiming that Mandy Frank had given him the number.

“Oh Mandy’s a good friend of mine.” He said, having only met her twice. Mark then coyly drew Craik out; talking of men and sex, and asking if Craik knew any gay lovers.


“Yes.” Craik said, “I have two gay friend lovers. Their names are JP and Jeffery-Jeffery.” Note: this is absolutely false, as I know JP could do 100 times better than that squealing nincompoop. Jeffery-Jeffery should also not be confused with Jeff Death.

It took little prodding to get Craik to admit that, yes, he was gay, and that he would be VERY interested in an affair with “Mark.” If you’ve read the other profile, I’m sure I don’t have to point out that he wasn’t actually gay, and he was simply looking for sympathy. The call ended amicably.

Second Call:

The next call took place several weeks later when Mahatma Nick rang Craik in the persona of “Biff,” Mark’s live-in lover. Craik answered and Mahatma Nick went into his usual up-front style of prank.

“Hey this is Biff. I’m Mark’s boyfriend. You know him?”

Craik responded in the affirmative.

“I was doing the laundry and I found your number on a paper with a heart around it, in Mark’s pocket. What the fuck is up?”

Craik sputtered something about them just being friends, despite them never having met.

“Keep away from Mark, or I’ll kick your ass!”

Craik remained on the defensive. Having been caught blind-sided, he had no idea what to do.

“That’s right. I’ll kick your ass, then fuck your ass. You piece of shit!”  Nick angrily smashed the phone down.

Third Call:

We let several hours pass, to give it a proper time frame, and then placed the third call. It was “Mark” this time, very upset. Craik answered.

“This is Mark. I just got home and Biff beat me up.”

Craik uttered reassurances, while he threw heavy objects in the background, banged pots and pans together, and broke glass to simulate a rage.

“He’s a violent man. He hit me all over and he’s threatening to kill you.”

“He can’t beat me!” Craik proudly stated.

From across the room Mahatma Nick yelled, “Who the fuck are you talking to?”

“I won’t let him hurt you!” Craik yelled.

Brian loudly slapped himself on the face, yelling,”Owww,” and passed the phone to Nick.

“This is Biff!” He yelled. “Prepare to have your ass kicked.”

“If you touch him. You’ll have to deal with me and my martial arts!”

“I’ll rape ya! Get that asshole ready to be fucked! I’m coming over.”

Brian yelled,”Don’t hurt him!”

“SHUT UP!” Yelled Nick. A chair was thrown into the wall next to the phone, and we hung up with Brian screaming in the background.

Fourth Call:

We sat around for two hours drinking, laughing, and watching “Satan’s Cheerleaders,” when it was decided to place a fourth call to Craik. “Mark,” alone now, after the tirade of “Biff,” Desperately decided to reconcile with Craik.

“This is Mark. Ow ow ow ow. Are you all right?  Biff is heading over there right now.”

“Well I’m…” Craik started and was interrupted by a female grabbing the phone. This turned out to be The Beast, the girl Jeff Death had failed to hit on. 

“Mark,” She said. “Stop calling here.”

“Who’s this?” Brian asked shocked.

“This is his girlfriend. We don’t want you to call anymore. Stay away from him.” So much for Craik’s notions of homosexuality. Poor “Mark” and poor Jeff Death. Imagine being tossed over for D. Craik.

“But he’s in danger. Biff broke my arm.”

“Just stay away.” She yelled and hung up.


Under that directive we felt the prank complete: A perfect story with a surprise ending. No need to bother Craik again. As far as he knew, it was an exciting event. Which no doubt he told over and over again. Adding to it his heroic efforts to save poor “Mark” from the evil “Biff.” Perhaps he even added a fight scene, where he used his Mu-Tai martial arts to kick Biff’s ass.


2 Responses

  1. Are you completly sure he wasn’t actually retarded? He sounds pretty retarded. I remember him to some degree, although always managed to avoid conversation. In any case, I think this prank phone call beats the ones to Ben Pierce.

  2. No he wasn’t. When we were at his place that one time, we ran across some test results of his, and some documents that claimed he couldn’t get some aid because he didn’t meet the criteria because he was above the legal level defined as retarded. So trust me on this.

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