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Schultz Love

Now we come to a tale of horror, woe, and immense humor. Schultz was a character of transparent means: cocky, extremely vain, constantly changing his opinions and beliefs to fit in with whomever he was around, yet never quite pulling it off, like a dyslexic chameleon.  This was all to cover up his constant fear that he would never be good enough, or amount to anything. Spend any amount of time with him and his nervousness shone through. I’m convinced that a lot of people are like this; Schultz just wasn’t very good at hiding it.


This leads us to Comstock Days and Schultz apparently determined to get this “popping his cherry” business over with. His current girlfriend was Sue the Boot. So called, because it was said, her vagina was so wide that you could slip her onto your foot like a boot. (I can attest to this from my own expeditions into this garden patch) She was one of the dimmest creatures that you will ever find on God’s green earth. As you all remember, I had convinced her that the moon was square. The reasoning behind this was, we saw the moon because of light reflected off of it surface originating from the sun. All perfectly true. The sun is round, and it just left a round reflection from the square side of the moon. Sounds logical to me, and it did to her as well. She was extraordinarily obsessed with Schultz. She once told me that she wanted to get pregnant by him, so that if he ever left her, she would “always have a little piece of him with me.” She was all over him constantly, and he decided that maybe she could be the one.


It was during the 1993 New Years Eve party. The house was full of people. Some remembered. Some whose memories are reduced to vague descriptions. “That guy with the hat who did that thing.” We drank deep, sprawled around on decrepit furniture, and drunkenly stumbled up and down shoddily carpeted stairs. People talked, laughed, smoked and acted like idiots in their 20s. Schultz had stated that tonight would be the night. He was nervous, damned nervous, as any young man would be their first time. Sue was ready, and had been for some time.


There came the problem then of where to do it. Several bedrooms were in the house, but which was precisely the correct one to hail in this historic event? Mike and Mouse’s rooms, on the second floor, were out of the question. Mike’s was full of people, and Mouse, when he found out, would exact some hideous revenge beyond reason. Aaron’s room, across from Jason’s, was locked up tight. No going in there. So there was only one real choice, Jason’s room, one of the filthiest and noxious dens on the planet. Garbage scattered about the place, walls damp with mold and crusted soy sauce, a lumpy mattress shoved in a corner, sheets which hadn’t been washed since they were first gotten; covered in spilled sugar, stained with fluids from Jason’s odious nocturnal habits, and a scratchy grey blanket to cover the entire mess. A perfect place. Love is blind, and I guess lust has no sense of smell.


Schultz decided that he could not be trusted to stay and finish the job. So he requested that they be locked into the room, where Sue could tackle and trap him, to have her wicked way with him. Sean B was given the role of Gatekeeper, like Hiemdal on the Rainbow Bridge, and was told, “Let no man pass.”


Schultz issued a further instruction, “Don’t let me out either, at least for an hour.” Giggling Sue dragged him inside and the door was sealed.


The party continued, and Sean took his position seriously. After about 15 minutes of relative silence from the room, there came a banging on the door. “Let me out,” Matt yelled. Sean, strengthened by booze, refused. “You said not to,” he yelled and walked away. The hammering continued for some time and then stopped.


The party went on as before. A rollicking affair in which everyone enjoyed themselves, and the adventures of Schultz, though the viewpoint of this narrative makes it seem like a central part, were, to most, a mere footnote. We drank and laughed. Seconds turned to minutes, and minutes to an hour, when the grand unveiling occurred. Several of us gathered to watch as Sean unlocked the door. We clapped and cheered heartily as a disheveled Schultz staggered from the room, with Sue blushing behind him. “Thanks guys,” she said.


Schultz composed himself, or attempted to, and became anxious, as he always did when people paid attention to him, and overcompensated. He swaggered about and acted as if this were an everyday occurrence for him. Several people made jokes about him trying furtively to get out. Schultz claimed that this was not the case.  


This turned out to be true, when I got the entire story from Sue later on. She had quickly stripped off her clothes, a task she was accustomed to, and grabbed Schultz’s pants, yanking them down with great force. She then forcibly removed the rest of his clothes and pulled him onto the bed. The actual business of the evening took about 10 minutes, 8 minutes longer than was predicted. Apparently, directly after his sexual inauguration, he had to use the bathroom quite urgently, and so banged on the door. As Sean, had so steadfastly done as he was instructed, Schultz was forced to stand on his tiptoes and urinate on Jason’s radiator. Where he figured no one would notice. The rest of the time in the room was spent in idle chatter.


So ended Schultz’s virginity, and he began his time as a sexual creature. Sue eventually drifted off to whatever place such people go. Jason, never complained, if he even knew, about what the room had been used for, and he never mentioned the smell of urine from the puddle under his radiator. That is, if he even noticed.


I can just hear him now, “I don’t apreeeeciate you having sex in my room, and then using it for a toilet. “




16 Responses

  1. Schultz did indeed beg for the use of my room that night, and recall it got bad enough were I locked it up and gave the key to Knaus with instructions to release it to no one. He was as reliable as Death himself for that sort of thing.

    For one of Matt’s romantic entanglements, he begged me to purchase him a ‘fine’ bottle of wine to impress his lady, who may have been either Das Boot or Cassie. He gave me a $20 and I bought him a sweet bottle of Cold Duck for $1.89. I told him it cost $19.00 and he graciously told me to keep the change for my trouble. He was so impressed with the wine that repeated the arrangement about 3 more times before he turned 21.

    Excellent post by the way!

  2. As per the agreement of not posting anything that could cause damage to present relationships I felt obligated to remove two paragraphs from this post. I have them hidden away, so those that are interested in the moderator’s cut contact me directly.

  3. I didn’t think Matt posted or visted here. It just seems like 4 of us do (and Andrew and Rob occassionally visit). Ah well… C’est La Vie.

  4. I have to concur, I read this in the morning and thought it was a bit too harsh. We don’t know for sure if he’s here and besides there are others coming here – we can see it through the search engine terms and stuff. I think I know which part got pulled. It’s pretty good overall tho

  5. I know Laubenthal and Chet read this. Everyone I have talked to who reads this is laughing out loud with each story.

  6. BTW, I’ve been trying to insert specific names and such whenever possible. It is my hope that some of these characters whom we have not heard from in 10 years or more decide to Google their own name and stumble across this. Granted, most would probably be highly upset, but they would be welcome to write in their own defense and thus paint a more complete picture.

  7. I agree with that. If Klausen is even alive, and can move out of the back seat of his car long enough to work out how a keyboard functions I invite him to “step up to the plate”.

  8. Jason, what would happen if he ran across this. You think I was a little harsh on Shultz we’ve all been brutal to skankboy.

  9. Well, that’s because there is lingering distaste for Jason, obviously. And as far as Kris Klausen that was one of the Google searches which referred to this page, although I bet that was one of us searching.

  10. How about that weird guy with the Mu Tai? Something about his belt?

  11. I do not know what you are referring to.

  12. Mu-Tai man was D. Craik. I’m doing a piece of weird characters from the time. If this were a movie they would be comic relief characters. I’ll go into detail on him.
    I figure it’s appropriate since it’s been mentioned several time about my bringing strange people around. That and another piece.

  13. I’m looking greatly forward to seeing that piece! While it is true that many were found to be bizarre, heinous, or disturbing, the Comstock experience would have been an empty shell without them.

    Many of the Google searches are probably mine, looking to see if I can find any of these characters.

    As for Jason, well, those are the chances you just have to take. Worst case scenario, we get a comment about how he doesn’t ‘appreeeeciate’ the characterization. Should that occur, he is most welcome to fire back with any slings are arrows he might perceive himself to have.

  14. …and that’s how I found this place. Google. I was searching for someone else, and after about 10 pages deep, I decided to see if I could find anything that was legitimately attached to my name.

    I’m also laughing that this story is up here, as I was going to reiterate what I remember about it if it wasn’t already up. The only thing I noticed that was left out was that people were going over to the window while Schultz was in there trying to hear if he was actually doing the deed. They would then come give me reports while I mostly drank and sat on the couch, making sure noone opened the door.

  15. Those people are lucky they did not get splashed in that case.

  16. That is truly vile!

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