My College Non-Roommate

Back in college I shared a house with three other guys. Three of us knew each other well, and had been roommates in the dorm the year before. We had two other friends lined up to take the fourth spot in the house, but at the last minute both dropped out. This left us with taking someone’s third cousin. We did not know this guy, and we quickly grew to despise him. My first encounter with Jason was when I showed up at the house for the first time with a pizza and my girlfriend. We both sat there eating pizza when Jason appeared and we started talking. Then he pulls a packet of Slica-Jell (that shit that keeps your new shoes dry) and dumped it on our pizza. He thought it would be funny. Maybe to him, but it began my seething hatred for him.

My other roommates grew to hate Jason also. The four of us where in the house for two years. We tried everything tht first year to drive Jason out. It did not work. Here are some stories, most are things we did to try to drive Jason out for year two in the house:

The first night in the house Wolf and I found an old coffee can fulled with grease in the kitchen. We place this on the top shelf of Jason’s bedroom closet. We totally forgot about it until two years later, on the last day in the house, when Jason came into the kitchen and showed the same tin to Wolf and me. Jason said, “Look what I found”. Wolf and I looked at each other in shock. We turned back to Wolf and he was gone. A moment later Jason reappeared. “What happened to the grease you just had?” I said. Jason replied, “I put it back.”

All of us in the house did our own dishes, but we always had to re-wash anything Jason washed as he did not just do a poor job, but he would leave an entire splotch of pasta sauce (Jason loves pasta) on the bottom of plates. Jason also had his own tradition where he made a pile of pasta for Yankee’s opening day and stayed home to watch.

Often Wolf and I would sit in the living room and complain about Jason. One time, after an hour of complaining we heard a comment from the pile of blankets on the spare couch, “I am right here”, it was Jason.

We tried out best the first year at Comstock to keep Jason from staying the second year. Wolf stirred Jason’s toothbrush in garlic powder. Every time we had a party we moved all the items we did not want party-goers to trash into Jason’s room and Wolf locked his room door with the skeleton key he had. Jason was the only one dumb enough to not install his own lock on his bedroom door (hence the use of it as storage when we had a party – in hindsight a bad idea to hide the “valuables” in Jason’s room as these valuable kitchen plates were then contaminated with the extreme filth of his room). We spilled a large amount of salt on Jason’s bed and he barely noticed after a week. Then there was the time he told us he was mugged by an 8 year old on the subway, and that he had a bed wetting problem until he was 16.

During one frisky night, a gaggle of us ended up in Jason’s room when he was not there. Dan wrote “Jason’s Place” from floor to ceiling with soy sauce. Note; soy sauce runs too much to make a legible sign.

The grandest attempt to drive Jason away was when we moved his entire bedroom down into the basement. We also made a Jason scarecrow with his own clothes (stuffed with newspaper) and placed it informally upon his moved bed. We artistically placed a porn magazine across the scarecrows chest, with one hand down the front of the pants.

In the end, torturing Jason brought us all closer together.

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10 Responses

  1. It was sugar that got spilled in his bed, not salt. I remember because he finally noticed and complained that his bed had become all sticky.

  2. Also, Dan attempted to write “Helter Skelter” on Jason’s wall with the soy sauce. I believe that was the same night as the massive food fight which no one else but me seems to remember? Anyone?

  3. I sure do not remember the food fight. What happened?

  4. I don’t remember the food fight. I may not have been involved if it was confined to the gamer subfaction that emerged the end of the second year.

    If our gentle author doesn’t mind, I’d like to do a longer version of the ‘moved his room to the basement’ story as I feel there is much more comedic value to be extracted in both the execution and his reaction.

  5. Go ahead Wolf, the move to the basement definitely needs more details.

  6. Was this the food fight in Goodyear where I come out of the bathroom, hearing screaming while in the bathroom, and emerged to see Wolf, Schultz, and Louis sitting quietly as if they had done something bad, only to find the room covered in whip cream?!

  7. No. This was definitely at Comstock. It began when I put some kind of little Debbie box on my hand/arm and deflected little sugar cookies that someone threw at me. It escalated into the throwing of something larger before eventually becoming a full-fledged refrigerator raid; 2-liters of Coke were shaken and poured into a bag containing a loaf of bread. Said bread was then thrown (soaked in Coca-Cola) and I believe splattered all over someone by Paul. I know Paul was there, I think Dan was there, and some others – Matt, Burns, Ann, Dave??? Unsure who. Eventually Dan wrote Helter Skelter in soy sauce in jason’s room and a number of pieces of bread were left in his underwear drawer, behind his bed, and behind the radiator. If Dan remembers perhaps he can fill in details.

  8. The Coke-soaked bread sounds familiar, but we need more details! Dan!

  9. The food fight was a different night from when I wrote Helter Skelter on his wall. The night I used the Soy Sauce, was a Frank party and Clausen was picking on Jason. I’ll expand on it in a different story.

  10. But the food fight deffinitely happened.

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