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The Most Obvious Thing

  A lot of people seem to talk smack about strange and weird people whom I brought around, but I wasn’t the only one. There was one particular fat bastard that was a friend of Mike. I can’t remember his name, but he was a slovenly jerk, with constant food stains on his stretched out sweatpants, and a filthy mustache, which lay there like a dead and rotting caterpillar over his thick bovine lips.

For some reason this rectal wart didn’t like me and my cheerful disposition. This didn’t matter, as I couldn’t stand him either. An air of mutual hostility would ferment the atmosphere whenever we were in the same room. This eventually erupted when the demon alcohol paid a call.

It was a party of some sort, I recall, a keg was tapped and a few females were roaming around. Fat Boy was there, along with myself, JP, Schultz, Aaron and Mike. The beer flowed freely, and rest assured I drank deep, along with everyone else. Captain Fatbody and myself made a few verbal sparings, and my animosity grew. At some point cigars were produced. Fat, stinky, cheap cigars, which produced acrid fumes of filth to coat the dingy interior. These were all the rage at the time, among Golden Anniversary drinkers.

We were all heavily inebriated, and I saw Fat Boy looking around, thinking he was being amusing, and not paying attention to his plastic cup of beer. I looked at my cigar. It bored me. I needed to get rid of it, but the overflowing ashtray just was not the place to put it. Ah… the cup of beer. Perfect. I get rid of this foul thing, and have a good laugh at this bloated bastard. And with typical drunken bravado, I deposited it there. Then stepped back, and promptly forgot about it.

A few minutes later there was a roar from the other end of the room. “WHO DID THIS?”

Matt immediately pointed at me. “He did. Right there, him.”

The large bulk shifted. Beady eyes, through coke bottle lenses, bored at me. “What is your problem?” It burbled.

I was so far gone at this point, that I honestly had no idea what was going on. All I could think was, “Why is this fat man yelling at me?”

Calling upon my Shakespeare I came up with a quick retort. “Go fuck yourself, you fat bastard.”

Now is when everything becomes really confused. I remember a white light, my glasses flying into the air, and myself slamming into the wall. After which I started laughing hysterically, having no idea of what had occurred. The females fled the scene.  Mike hustled Fat Boy down to the basement, and the party, strangely enough, seemed to be quits after that. Well the entertainment was over. What else was there to do?

Apparently Fat Boy stomped his large body around the basement for some time: Saying what he’d do to me, whipping out a knife and threatening to cut me. Oh well, as Aaron wrote, I have a way of making an impression.  

The next day I wandered back to Comstock. Mike and Aaron filled me in on Fat Boys rantings. “He’s very sensitive about his weight Dan. Of all the things you could pick on, that was the worst. Why did you say that?”

“Well, it was the most obvious thing about him.”


15 Responses

  1. Mike’s friend was Brian I think? The guy who attended a church event to meet women, but it changed his life. This was the party were Dan had to be taken to the hospital as we got in a car accident not far from Comstock during the night. It took us some doing to get Dave to go to the hospital, and as such I was not present when Dan was shoved with tremendous force across the room. His glasses flew off, and for the next few months the lenses would sometimes fall out. As it was reported to me Dan’s retort to Brian was, “I did fat boy, wanna make something of it?” But I think Wolf is the only first-hand source for this event, so I’m sure he will make corrections.

    Also note that Dan used his free-spirited philosophy of “it was the most obvious thing about him’ frequently. Like when I was driving around with Dan (something I later learned not to do as I usually got pulled over by the Police) after New York just passed a law giving women the right to walk around top-less. If course no one you’d want to see top-less did so, coupled with Buffalo’s short top-less weather season only ever produced this one incident of a woman of generous proportions top-less. Dan applied his simple, yet direct philosophy to the situation with no haste. Seconds after spying this large female striding down Kenmore Ave, Dan leaned nearly half-way out of the car, no doubt to make sure his commentary was hear by as large a radius as possible, remarked, “OUT A SHIRT ON YOU FAT COW!”

  2. I think you’re thinking of a different night, plus it was Dave not me that had to go to the hopital.

    And it’s not my fault you were pulled over. You were driving at night with the lights off.

  3. I am not thinking of the wrong night, your brain cell killing activities over the years are merging two different nights. I said, or I meant to say, Dave went to the hospital. It was a different time I got pulled over with you, and the was at night with no lights on, but that is another story. This time I was not pulled over, and it was day when you hollered at the shirtless chic.

  4. You both have rotten memories! The fat guy was CK. You are correct though – he did leave our gentle company to become brainwashed by the Buffal Church of Christ – a bunch of irritating bible literalists. While I could not fault Dan’s actions that evening, I was annoyed the results as I had to listen to CK go on for 2 hours about his childhood weight problem in the basement. The reason that party ended early was because it was the night that Dave crashed his red Cavilier with Aaron, Ann and Paul inside, then waxed dramatic about it for the rest of the evening. Truly, it was a memorable night.

  5. Do you remember any of those quotes from the tragic childhood of CK. “I tried and tried, but they lured me on with their siren song. I couldn’t help myself. I had to eat those pudding pops.”

    And his childhood weight problems turned into his adult weight problems.

  6. My recollection of that night in the basement is somewhat foggy as that is where we kept the keg and I used the convenient proximity to dull my senses from the litany of whining. I do recall, however, that he spent some time on the fact that no one ever told him he was supposed to shower and as a result, had a childhood smell problem as well.

  7. I just read the “Most obvious thing”. All I can say is WOW. 14 years later and there is still a lot of Venom there. WOW, don’t’ hold back Dan let us all know how you really feel.
    You know I’m 42 now. I have agreat job, an awesome wife, and my baby girl just hit her 5 month birthday. I’ve had some time to look back on my life, and I lament at the missed oppurtunities. Indeed there are many portions of my life that I look back on with regret. Truth be told if I met the 28 year old CK, I probably wouldn’t like him either. I look back at that and various other stages of my life, and I think well, obviously “WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING.” Of Course looking back at the individual that was the 28 year old CK, “Dead catapillar mustache”,”coke bottle glasses”, “Food stained sweat pants” and what else.. was there “Beady eyes” and “Bovine like lips” that’s right. I think, yeah sadly that was me. Of course I know, unlike you, that the broken road that got me to that place in my life was due a lot more to an alcholic farther, a codependent absentee mother, and an older brother who was and is a pedophile that started down that sick twisted path with his kid brother, namely me, and a lot less with the siren call of pudding pops. Truth be told I hate pudding. Its pizza, pork products and chicken wings that do me in. I look at that guy and I cut him a little slack, I might not have him over the house… but I at least make an attempt at understanding of how he got there.

    You know I was 7 years older than you back then, and you’d think that due mostly to the linear nature of time I would still be 7 years down the road ahead of you. Sadly this is not the case. You come across people you used to know from back in the day, and you get excited about whats new with them what have they been doing with themselves.. Then you get closer and you see they haven’t changed at all, oh the diplomas from the fancy schools hang on the wall, and they sit snugly in their fancy houses at night, but in there most unguarded moments when they think its just them, despite the internet being a very public place.., What do you find them doing? Pushing the Fat kid around the playground. And laughing about it. No, not even the Fat kid because that would imply that he had at least a prayer of defending himself. No your pushing around the FAT kids reputation. Nice. What you couldn’t find any cripples or mentaly challenged kids to push around?

    My whinning annoyed you mike? Sorry. Sorry for opening up, sorry for TRUSTING you with something. Sorry for letting you in. Sorry for wasting my time with your sorry ass. Well let me tell you something, watching you chase after a girl that was light years out of your league who wouldn’t give you the time of day cause you were such a geek, wasn’t a ton of fun for me either. But kathy asked me to watch out for you. So I did. Obviously a waste of my time that looking back on it now I can add to my long list of regrets. Nice attempt at covering up with your posts. Lame. But its what I’d expect from you. You always had to be the “nice” guy.

    Let me be clear I’m not mad or upset about the things you said about me dan, just that you’ve gotten older, without growing up. I’m way past the point where anything that could be said by people who have to bash others to make up for their own smallness of character, can upset me. I’m on the net a lot. I spar verbally with people all the time. I’ve had far worse said about me that what dan said. I take it with a grain of salt, as something that was said in the moment. Until now I’ve never encountered that kind of venom directed at me when it was pretty much a foregone conclusion that I wouldn’t be around to defend myself.

    WOW. I might still be only 7 years older than you, but I am light years from where you are as a person. If kathy is still with us, and I hope she is, I think she’d be a little disapointed if she read your blog. That this is how you spend your time. Sadly I know what will happen next, You’ll rationalize, you’ll temporise, you’ll make excuses, You’ll make fun of me, or attack me. You’ll delete the post most assuredly. You’ll do what ever you have to but the one thing that I’m able to do that has somehow eluded you. Take a long hard look at who you are, decide that you don’t like much what you see and CHANGE. GROW. MATURE. You know I can look back 14 years and admit, that I was a mess. I can admit I wouldn’t much lke me either. But the thing that I am most proud of is the certain knowledge that 14 years from now, I can look at where I am today, and be proud.

    You know what Mike don’t bother looking me up. We don’t have a thing to talk about.

  8. Well, I certainly can’t say that wasn’t a fair response. Reading back over Dan’s post, I think we can all admit that it was provocative to say the least. For those of us with admin privlidges, I think this post should be kept in the spirit that as we cast our stones out, we stand ready to receive.

    I’ll step out of my obnoxious ‘Mighty Wolf’ role for a moment into the ‘nice guy’ one CK reminds us of and say fair is fair, repeated kicks to the boys and all. I’m declining to respond directly to this as I think it’s obvious that the exchange already moved out of the ‘tweaking each other with barbs and insults’ phase to genuine hurt feelings, which was never the intention. Not that I think CK is going to read this reply, but that we understand amongst ourselves. I’ll send a private email.

  9. Just to follow up on this once again, I did send what I considered to be a friendly, apologetic email to CK with some explanation of the bad feelings that led us down this path. This was last Friday and he has declined to respond.

    The irony of this is that the response here was really the same as back 14 years ago – a violent lashing out after being provoked by Dan (and myself), followed by withdrawl.

    CK, if you do read this, once again I’m sorry for any hurt feelings that came from this posting. I really don’t know what you mean by ‘covering up’ with later postings. I don’t think I’m rationalizing by saying you overreacted to this. Obviously this touched a nerve, which was never the intention. In Dan’s defense, his last interaction with you was being punched in the face for ruining a running joke, and in that regard, we reap what we sow. As I see it, you two are now even.

    As for me, I think it’s too bad you couldn’t accept my apology as I truely meant it. Obviously I liked you back then or I wouldn’t have hung out with you. Catching up would have been nice as it seems we are in the same life circumstances right now, but you chose to focus on the darker part of past memories rather than the good ones that you perceived as “a cover up”.

    As a lesson learned from this exchange, I’m going to post a disclaimer that names everyone who might come across this blog. I think it’s clear it needs to be explained that the writings herein are really for entertainment purposes, contain exagerations, caricatures, and potentially insulting descriptions to both contributors and those they write about. All are welcome to respond.

  10. OK I never got your email.. though I looked for it repeatedly… did you send it to ? If so I have not recieved it. If not that is the correct address not the missing S from christopher adntheunderscore between my name.

    I meant by your covering up, your post on irish eyes about any insults contained in here. I thought you meant the shots about me being old and decrepit. Which given you were a young SNOT, when I met you, were accepted in the spirit that they were no doubt intended.

    It was only after I read “the Most obvious thing” which was what I percieved to be one long SLAM fest on me by Dan that I reacted the way I did. And in ABSENCE of that disclaimer that youmention in your last post what the hell was I supposed to think? It seemed to me really mean spirited and nasty.
    By the way, I’m sorry I can’t think of a single situation where you put a cigar in someones drink at either a bar or a party and NOT expect to have the guy holding the drink to swing on you. If I were a regular contributor of this board, I would expect such from Dan. But stumbaling upon it the way I did, with the percieved venom dripping from his post, Yes I took offense. Did I over react? I’m sure to you it might seem as if I did. But to me I dont think I did, and I might add having you prattle on about by my whinning to you about my weight problem didn’t exactly put me in a mood, to listen to reason either. Try and for a moment, get over yourself and see things from my perspective. In effect I saw what I thought was an old friend from college talking with a group of his freinds and when I approach what do I hear? Dan( who I never liked, and still dont :-P, and apparantly its still mutua ) insulting me in every way he can think of, and you agreeing that I was a whinner and that dans actions were justified?!
    I quote, “While I could not fault Dan’s actions that evening, I was annoyed the results…”
    How do you think you would feel in a situation like that? How could I possibly think that like the aformentioned Puddles, aka jason that I was simply someone you tolerated, out of some deep seated need to be Nice to someone you viewed as a loser with no other freinds?

    Also If I stumbled across this simply by googaling my name, what if someone doing a background check on me for a potential employer or govt agency stumbles across it? Do you think I was portrayed fairly? What type of impression without the aforementioned nonexistant “hey we are just joking around here” disclaimer, is going to think? Guy sounds like a loser. Better pass on him. Since My resume mentions that I attended UB, was a member of the Irish SA and worked in food service, they might put two and two together. Its why most Userboards use usernames, to protect the posters anoymin…anymoos…to protect who we really are. you stripped me of that. the internet equivalent of pulling down my “food stained sweat pants” and Laughing at me.

    as for my withdrawl 14 years ago, it was due to me finding a church that I thought offered the truth, only to find that I was lied and manipulated to for 10 years. that it was in fact a cult designed to keep the leaders rich and employed and us guilt ridden and afraid of our own shadows… so YES I might after 10 years of being in an abusive mindcotroling CULT that I am stil recovering from maybe might just have a few TRUST issues. Anyway write to me at the above email address and i promise I’ll respond to it.

  11. Well, I don’t even know you or anything about the situation. Dan’s over-the-top original post however did not mention names; this could be easily cleaned up with a few comment deletions. After you two work out the emails maybe this is an avenue which should be pursued.

    As an uninvolved observer I will note that someone stumbling upon this would probably conclude that the poster (Dan) was no prize, credible source either. As far as living in the past or how people still feel, this entire blog is about past events rather than current situations.

    Finally, if you actually are concerned about your privacy vs. people Googling you, I would suggest that your own comments provide far, far, far more personal information than anyone else here did.

  12. Hi CK,

    I sent an email this morning to both and from my work address since I’m still confused which is the real one. No one ever said I was smarter than I looked you know. Please let me know if it finds its way to you. I also copied my home email on there as well.

    I said in that letter and will say it here that I took a good look at this from your point of view and understand where you are coming from. I hope my letter explains well my thoughts on this and the callousness of my comments here above. With you here looking at them I can’t help but cringe at my own flippant douche-baggery.

    The situation is strikingly similar to the inevitable episode in every sitcom where one character happens to be hiding in a closet/ stuck on the roof/ listening it etc and hears the rest of the cast ragging on them or worse. The similarity extends to the fact that we (minus Dan, or at the very least, me) do actually like you and are/ am embarassed about being caught in a moment of resentment. Not about the basement talk, which in reality at the time I appreciated the candor and trust, but about the first friend I lost due to a competing influence (the church). I ramble on in much more depth in the letter, so I’ll leave it for there.

    I understand your concern about your name being linked to this terribly unflattering story and comment. While I don’t think you have anything to worry about, it’s clear you feel exposed, so I’m just going to go ahead and edit the entries to make any connection virtually impossible. Nothing so valuable as piece of mind.

    Please let me know if you got the letter and your thoughts on it. I’m very sorry this happened, and also regret that this involves a whole lot of explaining, which of course looks like rationalizing and backpeddaling. I’d also like to say that I wouldn’t be making this effort if you were someone who was just tolerated. If Puddles finds this blog and complains, I’d likely tell him to buzz off. My need to be a ‘nice guy’ got worn away years ago and I simply don’t care if anyone not attached to me likes me or not. You were a good friend, and that is why I’m taking the time.

  13. mike,
    did you get my reply detailing my life in the cult? leaving it here as I hadn’t heard from you… didnt want you to think I dropped off, And sometimes i think I’ve done something when I havent’t…

  14. Actually, no I didn’t! Could be my work email filtered it out as it happens sometime. Best bet is to always cc me at my home address as well, which is bonsaimew@gmail.com. I was wondering what happened!

  15. argh… I hope I still have it…
    oh well It was only 3 pages…

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